As I prepare to embark upon my Journey with Logos365 and the "Take Me Deeper" creative journaling study, I struggled with the one word I would use to focus on this year.  The instructions were simple...think of a word that describes something you want to focus on in your life within the upcoming year.  Then, as the journal prompts are given, record in an art journal (with some type of creative medium) thoughts which will answer the questions in the given prompts.  I am thinking it is a mixture of Bible study, artistic creations, and thoughts/feelings (which I may or may not share with others) all rolled into one...with the end result being an increased intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.

Everyone was talking about their "word" on the accompanying FB pages.  At first, I read all the comments and 'liked' many.  But, after a day or two, I started to get a little concerned.  Why hadn't I been able to come up with a "word?"  I had prayed about it...I was looking for those same signs...why was God holding out on me?  Why was this becoming difficult for me?  Most importantly, why was I more focused on the finding just the right "word" when I should have been focusing on Him?  Wasn't the point of this whole journey to increase my closeness with God, to become a better person, to share with others as a witness, and to develop my relationship with Christ?  So, I voiced my concern on the Facebook page and I was amazed at how many other women were struggling with the same concerns about not having their "word." And it seemed as though I learned from these women...I needed to RELAX about the whole thing...I needed to NOT make it about a WORD, or about MYSELF.  I needed to make this journey about HIM.

Just about the time I had given up on the idea of finding just that one, ever elusive, perfect "word," it happened.  I was at work where I started my day off the same every morning...cleaning up someone else's messes from the day before...just so I could help customers in a somewhat tidy environment. Now, this person, after whom I performed  my daily cleaning ritual, has many positive attributes; however, picking up after herself and following through with her work is NOT one of them.  So, as I stood at our shared desk fuming (and pretending to smile at the first customer of the day), I thought FOR SURE God was telling me that I needed to be tolerant.  THERE ITS WAS!!  It was my "word!"  Yay!  I felt like a giddy school girl who had just gotten an "A" on a big term paper.  My heart lightened, as I thought of all the behaviors that my coworker displayed that I was going to learn to "tolerate."  And, by God, I was going to do it with a SMILE on my face...even if it killed me!

Well, that lasted about an hour.  My  morning coffee wore off, and my head came out of the cloud of caffeine from which it had been floating for the previous hour.  "NO!" I begged to God silently, "Tolerance cannot be my word...I have NO tolerance for people who leave work up to someone else to clean up!  GOD, GIVE ME ANOTHER WORD BECAUSE THIS ONE IS NOT GOING TO WORK FOR ME!"  I mean, how could it?  I had been "given" the word "tolerance" and had returned it back to God, all in a matter of less than an hour.  How was I supposed to make it for a year?  I just knew I would tear my own hair out...and probably my coworker's as well!  So, I decided either I hadn't really heard God, or that HE was wrong!  Imagine how lowly I felt when HE humbled me, as He showed me the err of my thoughts.  My day dragged on, and things with  my coworker got worse...she made mistakes she usually didn't make, she was difficult to get a long with, she harassed another coworker, she was just downright unpleasant to be around.  Even for her, as a somewhat difficult person to deal with on a daily basis, she was having an extra bad day.  I asked her if I could help with whatever was going on and she told me no, thanked me for the offer, then said she would figure it out.  Something was going on with her that she didn't feel she wanted to share...or didn't feel safe sharing with me.

I questioned myself as to why I hadn't noticed her behavior earlier...I could have noticed, had I not been acting in my own snarky way, that she was having a problem.  Taking note and subsequent action is pretty hard to do, though, if you are all wrapped up in yourself; and that's exactly what I was.  As I stood still long enough to hear His voice, it was almost as though His voice infiltrated my thoughts: "Since when did you become so compassion-less?  Have I not fed and clothed you? Kept you from harm? Have I not been there to carry you through your own storms? Have I not loved you, even at your worst times?  And have I not demanded a simple commandment for you to keep, "Love your neighbor as yourself?"  Then I remembered this verse  in

 Matthew 9:36 " When he saw them [the crowds], he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.: "

Wow, talk about feeling humbled.

Yeah, the voice of God can do that to you!

Today, I know that my word is not TOLERANCE (yet).  Because God showed me that before I can be tolerant, I must learn COMPASSION for others.  It is then, and only then, can I learn tolerance. And, I can only do these things with His help.

Thank you, Jesus, for showing me that my word is compassion...and that it is not only a word, but also a command from You which I definitely need to learn!

Susan Baldridge
01/01/2015